So now to the current experience at DMV that I have been so reluctant to write about. I brought Morgan in to test for her permit on a Saturday morning (big mistake) after a late night of playing Zombies online which is a variation of a Call of Duty video game for those who don’t know. It is highly addictive and makes the clock magically go from 10:00 PM to 3:00 AM in several minutes. So we are up at 8:00 AM and my eyes are puffy and I’m not in the most patient mood in the world. But we get in the car and off we go!
We get to DMV and pull in the parking lot. I see the line out the back door and think hmmm, I wonder what’s going on downstairs? There’s no way that line goes all the way down the hall and up two flight of stairs, down another hall and into the main DMV room. I would be very, very wrong. That certainly was the line and I contemplated leaving but going during the week was not going to be easy either with all of the other stuff we do all week. I ask the guy if this is the line and it’s a short chubby black dude who thinks he’s a comedian. He starts to mock me and say’s yeah that’s the line – this guy thinks he’s gonna cut all these good people. I gave him a shitty half laugh and smirk, which I quickly wiped off so he knew I was being sarcastic and asked how long this line would take. He said 2 to 3 hours. So we stayed and waited. The line actually went pretty quick and we got upstairs into the main hall and finally received a number.
Then time came to a complete stop! We waited for what seemed like hours, oh wait it was hours! At least 3 and a half but we stuck it out and then when that number goes off and you see it on the screen – it’s like you just won a super sized hot fudge sundae after a week of binging and you have 10 seconds to get there and claim your prize. We sprung up and bolted for that window like The Flash on speed laced cocaine. Now I had went through everything at home to make sure we had everything on the list. I had her passport, my passport, license, Her social security card, credit cards, her report card from school that was mailed to us and had our address on it, her birth certificate and a check. A tad bit overkill but I presented it all to the clerk. She look at us surprised and says you are her Dad?!? I said yeeeaahh why? She says I don’t look old enough and that she was confused. She though I was there to test. WTF?? Now I may look young but that’s just ridiculous. That was the flattery before the shitstorm.
So I hand her enough ID that a 5 year old could’ve stolen both of our identities and she tells me that I don’t have anything with my address on it that was mailed to us and asks for a piece of mail like a phone bill that proves where we live. What?!? I just handed you licenses, passports and a report card all with our address on it but she says that’s not good enough and asks if I have an insurance card in my car. OK fine, so I walk all the way out to the car which is down two levels and in the back parking lot and look for a card. Sure enough I find one but I’m not good about updating them so it’s from last year. I also grab a bank deposit slip and my vehicle registration FROM DMV. That’s going to have to do. I bring it back and she says the insurance card is not current, you could’ve moved by then. The bank deposit slip was not mailed to me, it was an over the counter receipt and they can’t accept the registration. Now I’m starting to boil again. You mean to tell me that a bank slip from last week with my address on it isn’t good? And you won’t take a document that was mailed to me from this DMV??? I then hand her my gun permit which I just got the month before and needed far less documentation to get. She says, nope can’t take that either. You mean to tell me that I can get a gun license from a state office with my passport and my license but that’s not good enough for my daughter to take a learner’s permit test?
I go back out to the car and rip it apart looking for something and all I find is some junk mail that’s unopened and go back up again. I’ll be damned if we waited for almost four hours and she doesn’t take this permit test. On the way in one of the DMV security guys stops me and says they are now closed and I can’t go upstairs (FLASHBACK to my last story). I tell him my daughter is upstairs in the main hall waiting for me to get some info and he gets an attitude and says well if the door is locked then you’re not getting in. I said yeah the fuck I won’t! He says “what?” I told him to shut up and kept walking, I think I called him a dick too. When I walked into the main hall I grab one of the information sheets with the acceptable ID’s listed and sure enough the bank slip is on there. I walk back in and my daughter is now off to the side and the lady told her she had to move on and we should come back. I say to hell with that and I walk back up to her window right next to the people she is now helping. They move and I whip the sheet down and point right to the bank slip and say it doesn’t say anything about this having to be mailed. She is still shaking her head and I tell her to go check with her boss or someone. She does and sure enough the other woman says yes this is fine. Finally, after giving her enough information to get a home loan and fly to China she accepts the paperwork and allows my daughter to take the test. Now we have to wait in another line for the paperwork to be processed and for her to go in to take the actual test. Once that’s done we have to go back out and wait for her to be called up to the photo booth. Then we have to wait again for the card to be printed. I swear to God this has to be the most inefficient operation I have ever witnessed in my life. One day I will have a smooth transaction at the DMV but I am guessing that will be the day I’m too old to drive and they take my license away.