Is This Where All The Dick’s Hang Out?

I apuddlem going to give a little insight on the experience of being a male in a public bathroom. Some of which most men would blatantly deny thinking about but we do. I travel quite a bit and have visited many a restroom, washroom, bathroom, Loo, toilet, whatever it is you want to call it, in many of countries. The best was in a public bathroom in a coffee shop in Denmark that said “take a step closer, it’s not as big as you think it is”. This gets me thinking about that puddle that is in front of every urinal in every bathroom ever. You see, we men walk up to the urinal, see that puddle and straddle our feet apart as to not touch any of the piss on the floor that the last 20 guys have sprayed. It’s like some sort of ritual where you need at least a drop to add to the mess. It’s not even deliberate – it’s kind of like a subconscious phenomenon. But we men are just like the dogs you let out to pee in the yard. One dog pees and the next goes up and pees on his pee to show dominance. I just hear the voice of Stewie from Family Guy every time I watch my dogs do it – “Oh, Ill show him. I’m gonna, I’m gonna pee on his pee.”

The actual reason that this puddle is there is quite simple. When you stand up and piss into an upright toilet that is no more than a foot deep, some splash back naturally occurs. That splash back goes either back on you and your pants or on the floor. I can wear the same pair of jeans for days at home but if I’m travelling than those pants are off and in the laundry pile as soon as I get home. It’s unavoidable. I’ve tried pissing against the side, pissing directly into one of the holes, pissing up and letting it run down, all to no avail. I always see or feel the splash back. And forget it if you’re wearing khaki’s. You might as well just go piss right against the wall. There’s no hiding that piss storm on your pants if they are light colored. Then if you don’t shake enough you get the drip inside the pants and that is even worse. You grab your crotch and try to blot it up from the inside before it runs down your leg. If you shake too much though then dude’s are gonna start looking at you funny.

wet-pantsThen there’s the sink. You are careful, use the regular toilet and avoid any wet spots (except that one on your shoe but no one will noticed that one), you walk up to the sink to wash your hands and sure enough the water pressure is turned up high enough to kill a cow and there it is – water all over the front of your pants like you pissed a gallon before your zipper came down. Or better yet – you go, then wash and make it out unmarked and then you lean for a closer look at your handsome self in the mirror and lean against the counter and sure enough the countertop is soaked and now you have a wet line across the front of your pants from leg to leg like you used your penis as a machine gun trying to hit a swinging pendulum.

The next step is when you take a bunch of those cheap white towels and start rubbing your pants to absorb the water so you don’t go back in public looking like an incontinent toddler. Then of course the cheap ass towels break down and leave a bunch of little white remnants all over you and when you brush them off you have a nice white hue to the groin  of your pants. Then there’s infamous pants blower where you try to position yourself perfectly under the hand dryer so it’s pointed at your wet spot and you try to make it look like your drying your hands but you’re really trying to deflect more of the wind down. Eventually after a few minutes you are satisfied with the level of dryness your pants have achieved and you are ready to rejoin the world again as a  normal citizen that has no problems pissing.

Let’s not leave out the dreaded piss trough. This is where you go to a mens room and it’s originaljust one big long bucket that all the dudes stand at side by side, whip out their junk and piss. Most commonly found at public places like ball parks or old drive in theaters. This is where you go up, pull it out like it doesn’t bother you one bit and do not look away from that little spot right in front of your face. At this point you start thinking damn, I thought I had to piss but I guess I didn’t have to go that bad. But now you’re committed. It’s out and you can’t just shake it and walk away if you didn’t piss. Surely the guy next to you will notice and start laughing while shouting to the whole mens room on how much of a pussy you are so you stand there and start pushing. Push until it looks like your about to break a blood vessel in your neck and finally! A stream, more like a slow IV drip,  that lasts about 10 seconds while you’re pushing it out with all of your might. It stops when you feel like you’re about to pass out and your stomach muscles hurt from pushing so hard so you pack up, walk away wash up and move on. As soon as you get back to wherever you were going – you guessed it. Damn I gotta piss!

pisserBut if you have had a few beers then all of the above is irrelevant. You’ll weave into the men’s room, stand shoulder to shoulder and piss like you mean it, and right away too all while talking about the game looking right at the guy next to you. That piss will last for 5 minutes and you’ll piss right in the center of the urinal or toilet trying to make the loudest sound possible as if your loud power pissing is establishing dominance, especially if your piss lasts longer than the guy next to you (ha! Chump). Rub the piss splash on your pants in with your hands, go look in the mirror, stroke your hair back and go rejoin the party slapping high fives and shaking hands with all of the other drunk pissers – hey where’s that pizza?

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About Alton B. Etheridge III

My Last Years of Childhood is about my musings as I relive my childhood in words before I get too old to remember!
This entry was posted in Confessions, Growing Up, Life, Memoir and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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